In Another Living Place

I just want to share it with english, but my english so bad, so please understand it. hope it will be encourage you.

This is my calatorie...................

Come to another country and stay far away from my family and friends is my very first experience. Feeling afraid waiting for the VISA and finally got it in the last hours before i had my flight. hahah. it was really such a shocking moment, a depressing feeling. I have been waiting for my application from the preparation to the time i got my flight ticket almost 2 months. I have to wait for my CAS letter, so i can apply my VISA and it tooks almost 2-3 weeks. Then i have to wait for applying my VISA, got a time for interview. even when i had my interview, i had such a bad time, i have to wait for almost 4 hours to got interview because there was a problem that happened ( i was not registered for the interview whereas i've already wait for almost 4 hours!) and it was freaking me out. I was crying back then after i had my interview, and it really ruined my mood that whole day. I don't know why i've cried that time. I just felt afraid, scared of many things. Then i have to wait for 23 working days to know if my VISA is granted or not. And i have to wait longer. I got a first announcement that my application will be delay because of the big amount of applications that time. when i read that info, i just thought, okay i will wait. because i feel i have enough time, and i trust Him that He knows the right time. later I have the seconds announcement to wait for my VISA and passport which I have no enough time before the time for enrollment date. I have my induction at 11th of September, and i have to wait until 8th of September about my VISA. At that time, i still trust that God knows what is going on, so i still keep calm ahahaah. but i have plan to flight at 9th September while i havent get my VISA on 8th. :( I still put my faith that i will go at 9th September. I havent got my VISa, i havent buy a ticket. i've just prepared my luggages already. and finally the date comes. at 9th afternoon, i got the news that my VISA is granted. so in the short of time, i have to take my VISA and passport, go to buy ticket, rushly go to my agent office to prepare all the documents that i will need and i have my flight in the same day at 12 a.m. haahha, it really short of time to prepare everything. I was panic, tired, shocked, sad, happy, afraid, wahh there was a mix of feeling. :( and it's just happened. Finally i went and arrived here. 2 weeks i was struggling because of everything. the first time for living alone, first time to cook, to wash your clothes, first time to clean your room, first time to buy groceries and daily needs, struggling with english and many assignments in the first week!. and i feel homesick. i still cant feel strong enough to talk with my mom and dad. feel like really miss them and guilty with them. everytime i got a chance to only text with them i will cry. i don't know why.  

 Life gets hard every day, isn't it ? it has almost 1 month already since i moved here. A lot of things happened. Still struggling with english, fear and guilty. Oh my, i don't know why i have so much fear, why i feed the negativity, why i have a big value of fear, disappointment and guilty. I miss home. miss mom and dad, feel  guilty about spent too much money that they have worked hard with just for me to get here. feel fear about my success, can i success later, can i make them and Him proud of me ? I feel disappointed with myself, why i cant be confident, why i'm not brave enough to talk with people, to make some friends, why i should deal with so much fear and cannot do anything. hahaha, sounds very stupid, isnt it?. But i know i have to be strong! Fear not, for i am with you. Be not dismayed for i am your God. i will help you and strengthen you. i will uphold you with my righteous right hand. This is His promise. and his promise is yes and amen. never changes through any kind of seasons and time. Yes if God bring me to it, he will take me through it. He will provide our need, our family needs. I dont have to be afraid, cause i know that he loves me, and his love is never fails. his plan never fails. when life gets hard, when it seems no miracle will happen, when it looks like there is no hope, still you trust and believe him ? that what faith means. believe when even there is no such a great things seems wont happen, or what happen in your life isn't like we have ever hope for.. But i know, God put me, bring me to here for some reasons. for me to learn to be independent, to learn meet some new people, to change my bad personality into my good. teach me to always depend on Him, looks only to Him not people, teach me to not be arrogant that i cant get through here right now if its not because His favor and if He is not with me, realize that life is not as easy as it thought or it seems. I really thank Him for everything that He has already done for me. For every preparations from the first time i took the english class and test until i got my ticket to here even till my weak time today.  He still there, He still hears every single silent tears. every words that i cant say, every hurting heart that i feel. He is there for me always. He gives some people surrounding me to comfort me, accompany me and encourage me. either my friends in Jakarta or the new community i've got here. He prepared me through this process for some reasons in the future. He prepared me to something that waiting for me. Now, the decision is, Will i follow his purposes in me by doing this process patiently and faithfully, rely on Him, and obey His words or i run away from His good in me, and walk with the value of negativity every single day ? of course i want to choose the right one! going through this process and looks only for Him and his truth every single seconds in my life. Even though i know it will be hard, maybe there is no such happiness every day, maybe seems like i will cry every day, deep down through this process, but i know there is maybe pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning, there is always rainbow after the rain, there is seems as bitter trials to us but often blessings in disguise. So i want to live in the value of love, faith and hope, cause i know he won't leave me alone. He will never put me down.! Fighting! Let's walk with God every moment of our live, because it will always be an amazing journey. Just dwell on positivity and be grateful always.